Maintaining Your Insanity
When riding on an elevator...
1. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
2. Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.
3. Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
4. Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
5. Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.
6. Bring a chair along.
7. Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).
8. Burp, and then say “mmmm...tasty!”
9. Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
10. Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
11. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
12. Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
13. Clutch your stomach and gasp.
14. Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
15. Collect an elevator tax.
16. Count down from 100,000 out loud.
17. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
18. Do Tai Chi exercises.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
20. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
21. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
22. Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
23. Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.
24. Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
25. Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
26. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
27. Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.
28. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
29. Guard the button panel so no one can touch it.
30. Have a picnic in the elevator.
31. Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”
32. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
33. Hug yourself.
34. Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
35. Hum the theme to Jeopardy
36. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
37. If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?"
38. Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.
39. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
40. Lean against the button panel.
41. Leave a box between the doors.
42. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
43. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
44. Make farm noises.
45. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
46. Make sure the emergency phone is working.
47. Meow occasionally.
48. Mumble about the possibilities of elevator accidents.
49. Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.
50. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
51. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
52. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
53. Open a lemonade stand.
54. Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.
55. Play the harmonica.
56. Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.
57. Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers
58. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
59. Read a book upside down.
60. Recite poetry in monotone.
61. Request for people to watch you Riverdance.
62. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
63. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
64. Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
65. Scratch yourself.
66. Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
67. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
68. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
69. Sing: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerve's, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes like this!" to the tune of "camp town lady".....pause.....repeat....continually.
70. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
71. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
72. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
73. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
74. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”
75. Start a sing-along.
76. Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.
77. Throw a party in the vator!
78. Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.
79. Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.
80. Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
81. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
82. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
83. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
84. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
85. When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out!
86. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
87. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now... motion sickness!”
88. When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”
89. When the doors close pretend your arm got caught in it.
90. When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.
91. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
92. When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
93. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “Hide it... quick!” then whistle innocently.
94. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity... Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called therapy